And, when I say anti-social, I mean on a serious level...as in, I passed up a date last weekend without even considering it, even though I haven't been on a real date in AGES & I knew it would be amazing. Partly, I'm not ready to see anyone new, even casually, right now. Mostly, though, I just didn't want to leave my house or be around people.
Stress is at a high level, right now, so I'm tired & moody. Plus my hormones are crazy out of whack. Seriously. Last night I cried uncontrollably over absolutely nothing, repeatedly. It was stupid & frustrating...& completely out of my control. I don't do that. Ever.
I need to go to the doctor. It's time to get my labs redone, after the last abnormal screening. But I really don't want to. The lack of an answer last time was irritating. Plus I've been fighting a UTI for a couple weeks &, if I see the dr., they will insist I take antibiotics...which I can't do unless I'm dying, because of chronic systemic candida. Last time I took antibiotics, it took months of diflucan to finally not be chronically ill. But...yeah...it's really more about not wanting to do the Pap smear again. It's a horrible experience to begin with...& it's even worse with the unanswered questions from last time. I suppose I will have to act like a grown up & get it done before too long but, for now, I procrastinate.
I really don't feel like doing much of anything anyhow. Working, job hunting, recertifying for foster care & trying to figure out how I prepare for the Bar is exhausting.
The person I used to let off steam to no longer answers my calls, for some reason unknown to me. So, I find I usually just sit in the dark & try to figure out how to work all this stuff out on my own, since it feels like I can't really, consistently count on anyone but myself. I realize that probably seems overly dramatic, but when someone who's been there for years just sorta disappears, that's how it feels.
I hate admitting that I feel abandoned lately, because it means I have to admit that I need someone. Also, it forces me to own up to the fact that I get tired of feeling like I am expendable & temporary, but I suppose I do, even though I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me. In the end, I can't change what others do, so I try to focus on what is within my control. I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss my friend, though.
So...I think, tomorrow, the kids & I will drive somewhere and find some woods. Sit on the grass, amongst the trees...near a stream, if I can find one. I will find my center & stop feelin sorry for myself. Regain my focus. I must.