Friday, December 6, 2013

Snow Day

Today was a snow day! 

I've heard a lot of people complain about their snow days, but mine actually turned out great. Miracle of miracles, I actually got to sleep in by a full hour! When I did get woke up, it was by my sweet toddler saying "Momma" & giving me a kiss, before running off to wake the rest of the house.

We don't get a whole lot of snow here. Normally we get more sleet & ice than snow. This time, we got mostly fluffy snow. So, the kids had a great time playing in it.

They tried to build a snowman. But, it wasn't going very well, as they have basically no experience in how to actually construct one. quickly turned into a snowball fight.

After they got done playing in the snow, they came in to have hot chocolate while I built a fire.

We spent the rest of the day leisurely playing & cleaning the house. I had originally made ambitious plans to catch up on various tasks that need to be done. In the end, I was enjoying my time with the kids so much that I decided to put them off until tomorrow.

I was sad at what spring thunderstorms did to my poor tree, but I am grateful to have the wood for my fireplace.
One of these things, of course, is starting Bar prep again. As most of you have figured out, I did not pass the Bar. I wasn't trying to be rude by not answering the questions that I did get about it, but I thought I was pretty clear when I posted, "When I get the results, I will let you all know if I pass. If I don't, I won't say anything because I won't want to talk about it."

I wasn't trying to be hateful, but I simply couldn't talk about it. I knew I would be devastated if I didn't pass. It turned out to be even worse than I had anticipated.

Money has been difficult over the past few years. I am indebted to loved ones so much that I can never possibly repay them. I have six figures in student loan debt. My income barely covers regular bills, extras are not generally an option. So, I was hoping so much to pass the Bar so that my income would go up & I could have some breathing room. I know they say that money can't buy happiness, but it sure as hell can alleviate some forms of stress & misery.

My kids' lives have been turned upside down for me to go the law school. Yes, I did this to make a better life for them, but that doesn't change the fact that they had to give up a lot for us to make this journey as a family. So, when I didn't I got the official "you suck" letter, I felt like I had failed them in so many ways, not just financially.

Add to that the fact that I have never failed at anything, except for Calculus 2, but that doesn't count.

That feeling was made even worse when I received the "kick you while your down letter", stating that my limited license to practice law had been revoked because I didn't pass the Bar on the first try.
I didn't know what I was going to do & I certainly couldn't talk about it because I didn't have answers to the inevitable questions. Granted, those questions usually come out of love & concern, but that additional stress was not helpful & I couldn't deal with it. I needed to focus on formulating a plan.

My boss has amazing faith in me & values my work very much. So, he agreed to let me stay on as a paid intern. This has allowed me to be able to make ends meet & continue getting experience while I prepare for the next Exam. Like I said, my income still barely covers the bills...but it does cover the bills. Those of you that have followed from the beginning know how big of deal that is. The baby's dad does pay child support. The state did finally start getting me a foster care stipend & clothing allowances to help out with Lil Sis. The Bigs' Dad still isn't paying his support, but there's no surprise there. I do occasionally still sell some of the jewelry that I was making or have an occasional online auction, but it's no longer a business. I'm not having to sell my clothes & shoes to make rent, like I did at one point last year. I haven't had to look around for anything of value to sell in a while, which is good since it's already all been sold. So, things aren't great, but I've been managing to tread water. It does make it feel like there's even more pressure on the next Exam.

And, if I may take a moment to vent, it is incredibly frustrating that my entire life hangs in the balance because of this test. The exam doesn't really show who can or cannot do the job. I see attorneys who are incompetent that get to practice because they made the magic number on the exam. I know some brilliant legal minds who, like me, are having to re-test. Experienced attorneys sometimes call me to confer with me about particular legal matters because they know I understand it or will help them examine it from another angle. I do the work of an attorney, as an intern, under the supervision of my boss. I have the degree, the knowledge & the skill set...but I can't be sworn in as a member of the Bar until I pass their test, even though it has no practical application in the real world. But, that's just reality, I suppose.

So, the next order of business is to pass the damn test! LOL

It was a strain to come up with an extra $600 last month, but I managed to get it together so that I am registered to take the Bar again & February, as well as being enrolled in a Bar prep course that starts January 2. This time it is a classroom based course, which I'm sure will be more effective than trying to work through an online program with a toddler screaming for attention (his old daycare had closed with almost no notice & it took a couple months to find a new one). In any event, I'm trying to approach it with an upbeat attitude & going to put everything I have into preparing for this. As I can't afford to go 6 weeks without income, I will be working, as well. So, January & February will be insanely stressful. With any luck, though, I will pass this time around & this will all be behind me. Please send prayers, positive thoughts, vision boards, chi, good vibes, or whatever it is that you do to get right with the universe, for me.

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