Tuesday, November 5, 2013

You need a husband!

This past weekend was a long one!

First issue:

    I allowed my oldest to set up a FaceBook page for the sole purpose of connecting with his dad's family. Since I filed to enforce his child support order, many have blocked me on FaceBook, which was the only way that we had to contact them. And, since Wasband hasn't been visiting the kids, he (obviously) hasn't been taking them to see any of that side of their family. We used to live near many of them and saw them on a regular basis, so he misses them. So, I let him friend them on FaceBook.

Now, to get to the problem...

    We have a routine of taking family photos every few years. So we have 3 sets, two that were taken prior to the divorce, and one of me with my 5 kidlets. These photos mean a lot to my oldest. In fact, he carries them in his wallet with him. Well, he posted them to FB & tagged his dad & I in each photo that we were in. Wasband denied the tag on the photos that he is in so that they do not appear on his FB page. This hurt our son very badly. There's not much I can do about it, though I really wish I could.


The bigger issue:

     Beautiful (7) told me that I need a husband so that I won't be alone when I get old. She also asked me if I could talk her dad into remarrying me or ask him to come stay with us for a while. It turned into a long, drawn out conversation that boils down to the fact that (according to her) she asked her father if he could come see them & he told her that I wouldn't let him. She says that he told her it's my fault that he doesn't see them because I won't let him.

     I sincerely hope that she misunderstood & that this is the product of her interpretation, rather than what he actually said. However, he has filed a motion with the court accusing me of unreasonably withholding the children from him, which lends itself to the idea that she is being completely accurate about what was said and that makes me sad.


    Another interesting issue that arises frequently is the fact that she seems to connect her Dad choosing to not spend time with them with her with her mother not being in her life. It makes sense, I suppose. She already wonders about her mother & has questions. She also knows that she was adopted because her mother made choices that made it unsafe for her to live there. Now, her father is making hurtful choices, as well. So, it makes sense that it would bring out the questions that she already has.

     Honestly, I don't have any idea how to deal with this. I listen & talk to her honestly. I also listen to what other adoptees tell me about what they wanted their parents to do or say. Truthfully, I have no idea if I'm doing a good, or even remotely respectable, job but I am trying. I can only hope that my best is good enough to help her learn how to cope & process all the feelings and loss inherent with adoption, as well as all the information that she will learn about her bio family as she grows.

1 comment:

  1. " I listen & talk to her honestly.[...] I can only hope that my best is good enough to help her learn how to cope & process all the feelings and loss inherent with adoption, as well as all the information that she will learn about her bio family as she grows. "

    In all honesty that is all that can be expected from you: being there for her, listening, offering age appropriate information, emotional support when she expresses her hurt and abandonment. Let her experience her adoptiive father as he really is; dont sugar coat him. As much as it hurts, reality is always best in the long run.

    Adoptee Symeon

    ReplyDelete