Right now, I should be getting everyone together & ready to leave so that I can go participate in a sweat lodge. It has been a few years since I have been to a sweat & I have been trying to get to one for MONTHS now. But I am letting myself be so affected by all that is going on in my life right now that I can't go.
I'm so full of anger & negativity & I just can't seem to let it go. I've prayed. I've smudged. I've cried.
I'm simply not in a place where I can be around other people today, much less participate in any sort of ceremony. And that makes me feel immensely grieved. I know that those amazing ladies will pray for me & my little family...but I wanted so bad to be there.
Quite honestly, I don't even want to see sunlight today. I haven't stepped out of my house so far this weekend. I have the young ones laying down for nap time right now, while I sit alone in my bedroom. The lights are off & the blackout curtains are drawn.
I don't know how I feel. I'm trying to not be angry. But the reality it, if I had the emotional energy to invest into it, I would be livid. I hate the situation that has been created for Lil Sis. I hate that I was powerless to stop it or change it, even though I saw so much of this coming years ago.
Right now, though, I'm drained & numb. Don't get me wrong, I'll be ok. I'll get up & take care of all my babies...but I'm in survival mode right now & that is not an optimal way to live.