Monday, July 22, 2013

Rambling...

The last several weeks have been a comedy of errors, full of the kind of new developments that make you rethink your perspectives on life.

I've had the foster care drama & my family's unwelcome opinions about it, which I've written about. But, there has been other stuff. Most of it wouldn't be so overwhelming, if it weren't for the impending Bar Exam, but the combination of everything is making me want to scream.

I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago for the annual torture that I get to endure for being born with the privilege of being a woman. All the tests came back clean, as expected, with the exception of abnormal cells on the pap smear. There were lots of notes on the lab report but it all seemed to boil down to the fact that they ruled out HPV & the cause for the abnormality was unknown. So, basically, it can't affect anyone else...but they don't know if there will be any problems for me in the future.

Now, I realize that this could be nothing. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about two women that I really care about & all the painful procedures that I've helped them through...all of which started with these same test results. This, of course, leads to thoughts of the two women that I've watched die slow, painful deaths from cancer that could have been caught had they been vigilant about keeping up with their exams. So, I am not panicking, but I will be certain to follow up on this.

Getting the results, though, made me feel very, very alone. I texted my best friend about it, sure...but I felt the loneliness of not having someone to share life's burdens with in a way that I haven't felt it in a very long time.

It's not that I'm unhappy with my life. I have meaningful relationships. In fact, several months ago, I let go of all the ones that weren't. I took a friend's advice & just stopped talking to those that only want me there when they need something, or only want to keep me around for a back-up until something more convenient comes along. Interestingly, though, most of those people have showed up & tried to contact me in the last few weeks. I was concerned that I might get sucked back in, emotionally, but I've found that their attempts at contact have actually just made me more certain of my decision.

Also, a friend of mine was in a serious motorcycle accident a couple days ago. He was airlifted for surgery to relieve swelling on his brain. I don't have many updates but, please send him & his two kids your thoughts & prayers. The last time we spoke, we actually talked about how I thought he needed to be more careful because he had just taken a spill on his bike. He laughed at me when I told him that he wasn't invincible & said "not invincible just tough as hell and was assigned a damn good guardian angel..." I sincerely hope he was right.

If you're expecting some conclusion to all this rambling, you won't find it. I don't really know what to make out of any of it. I'm sleep deprived, thanks to my usual sleep issues & I'm in survival mode until I take this damn test. After that, I can try to make sense of it all & see where I end up.

1 comment:

  1. Scream, lady, scream! Gotta get through it! I wish I could be there for you to talk to, or say the right things. And, I'm really sorry you couldn't experience the German gyno chair :D

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