I've been feeling lonely & isolated lately.
There are several contributing factors, primary of which being the fact that I've just been completely overwhelmed. Studying for the Bar is hard enough on its own. But the class is designed to be a full days worth of work, with additional homework time. Since I no longer have a daycare for the two youngest to go to, I simply don't have enough time to devote to it. So, I've been behind & frustrated.
Add to that, all of the other emotionally draining stuff that I have going on, & it's been quite depressing. To make matters worse, the friend that I would normally talk through this sort of thing with seems to no longer be speaking to me. I'm completely aware that part of it is my stupid fault, but there's no way to un-ring a bell.
In any event, I finally decided to stop spinning my wheels & take a few days off. I spent 3 days of last week with various friends, just doing normal stuff...museum, zoo, splash park, just hanging out. Nothing stressful, just fun with the kiddos...and adult interaction. Oh, how I had been missing that! It was wonderful & I feel so much better.
I miss being a stay at home mom. However, I remember now why the kids & I did so much volunteer work. Being trapped in the house together constantly makes everyone cranky. And the whining that inevitably results makes Mommy crazy...especially if there isn't enough adult interaction to balance things out. So, it was nice to see friends & have time to recharge a little.
Time is passing very quickly & the exam will be here soon. I don't think I've ever felt like so much was riding on a single thing, in the way that my life (& that of my children) is dependent on passing this stupid test. But, I try not to focus on that...because it's depressing as all hell. I will focus on the good things & on preparing to meet this challenge.