Sunday, February 24, 2013

Surreal...

On Friday I received a call from the CW stating that Lil Sis & all her belongings were packed in the van & on their way to my home.

Wow.

I had planned on her coming here. When I had spoken to one of her foster fathers, on Monday, we had discussed a weekend visit. We had, I thought, reached an agreement that a move was inevitable, but a long transition would be best. He told me that he wanted to be able to tell her that he had fought as much as he could and had worked hard to keep her in their life. Since it seemed that living in their home permanently was no longer an option, though, we would start weekend visits to see how she would integrate into my family and, of course, to encourage the sibling bond.

However, I guess he couldn't take the roller coaster anymore. They essentially said, "if you're going to take her at some point, take her now. We are done." I understand they are operating out of pain. However, I can't lie and pretend that I think it's ok. I've been fighting myself very hard to not judge them. However, I see it as no different than the time that my ex-husband told me that he doesn't come see the kids "because it hurts too much to tell them goodbye". I get it...it hurts. Pain sucks. BUT, you're the adult. It's your responsibility to put your pain in the proper perspective in order to put the needs of the child before your feelings. Granted, this comes from a person with an overly developed ability to compartmentalize. However, I don't think it's too much to ask the adults in the situation to bear the burden, rather then the children. Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't care how I see it, so I do the best I can with what I have to work with.

In any event, Lil Sis is here. So far things are going well. She talks about her foster family. I don't think she fully understands that she may never see them again. Apparently they decided that they no longer want the arrangement that we discussed on Monday--spending weekends with them, frequent phone calls, etc. I was told by the CW that they will contact me if/when they feel like that can have contact with her. At this point, she's not sure that they will take a phone call from her so she asked me to attempt to redirect if she asks. I have been unfriended on FaceBook, by them, which I take to mean that they do not have any desire to know anything about our lives or to see any updates. No contact, at this time. It's not what's best for her. It's simply not. But, it's the reality right now, so we'll deal with the as best we can.

Lil Sis hasn't spoken about her bio family at all, since getting here two days ago. The foster fathers had told me that she rarely did while she lived there. She seems comfortable here but I think she's probably assuming that it's just another temporary situation. The fact it, because of the way the foster system works, I can't even assure her that it's not.

I don't think I'd be willing to enter this crazy clusterf*ck that is foster care for any child but this one. Twice, before, I had prepared for her to move into my home. At birth, and again later in infancy, we were told to prepare for her to move in. In fact, the crib that we had put up for her was still in my ex husband's house last time I was there. Maybe it still is. Even once we got custody of her older sister, we kept our foster care license open, just in case they picked Lil Sis up. However, once DHS lost track of the family, I gave up that idea. So, when I was accepted to law school, I allowed my license to lapse.

Now, here I am, sitting beside my sleeping toddler, listening to the sound of the giggles of the precious daughter that I have raised for the passed 6 years...and that of her little sister, whom I spent 5 years worrying about & praying for.

There are no words intricate or complex enough to adequately describe this feeling. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. However, I think it would take Salvador Dali to capture the essence of this bizarre, overwhelming mix of emotions.

I'm glad the girls have this chance to be together. Obviously, the timing could have been better, since I'm now in the busiest time of this whole law school journey. However, asking them to find her a new placement is a door that I can walk through at any time...but it's not one that I can close once it has been opened. So, we need to give it our best shot in order to give these girls a chance at a relationship. As my good friend pointed out: they've already lost all of their other bio family. It would be a tragedy for them to lose each other.

4 comments:

  1. We had a similar beginning with our girls. It was heartbreaking to help them transition.
    Lea

    ReplyDelete
  2. U r truly amazing, my friend.. best of luck always..xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I completely understand your frustration. My ex is/was the same with Charles. He told me the exact same thing about seeing him, or even talking to him on the phone. I also remember when you were expecting/waiting for placement of little sis when she was born.
    I know that the not knowing and worry you have gone through with lil sis situation. I am glad that she has finally been placed at home with the family that has loved her, worried, and prayed for her since before she was born.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well said. It's hard and maybe the fosters weren't as tough or ready as they thought, but they need to step up. You have my respect and support, whatever happens.
    Corri

    ReplyDelete