Saturday, September 29, 2012

And the Academy Award goes to...

I cannot begin to count how many times in a week I hear the phrase "I don't know how you do it!". Occasionally, I hear "you make it look so easy". The last one usually comes on days that I have on makeup to cover the dark circles under my eyes. I suspect it is also related to the fact that I don't seem to get too worked up about most things. Make no mistake, though, this is more a result of my utter & complete exhaustion than it is indicative of a calm, even temperament.

The truth is though, it's all an act. I don't have it together. I'm not calm. Truth is, I don't even know what the hell I'm doing most days.

Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. If it's not one damn thing, it's another. Income isn't steady, or nearly enough. As soon as we get ahead, then it all comes to a halt. I'm ready to scream. I got offered a job last week, which I then had to turn down when I found out that, after child care, I would net a total of $7/ week. That wouldn't even cover my fuel costs. I had an offer for an opportunity where I could earn some commission, but they keep putting me off so I guess that isn't going anywhere. I'm selling everything I can online, but that only amounts to so much...plus they hold it for a certain period of time to make sure you aren't scamming people. So, rent is definitely not going to be paid by Monday. I feel like I'm failing my kids.

I'm just so frustrated. And angry. It's starting to interfere with my school. I have a paper that was due last night. I haven't even started on it & I can't find the energy to. I'm feel so helplessly overwhelmed.

Perhaps the exhaustion is good in some ways, though. It keeps me from committing to the rage. It's there, like the magma under a dormant volcano. I simply don't have the emotional energy at this point to sustain an eruption.

Why am I angry? I'm angry because I remember what it's like to feel relatively secure & I want that again. I want to not worry about having to send my children to live with other people to keep them from being homeless. I'm angry because the divorce has shattered my ability to believe in forever. I found a soul-mate, whom I planned to be with forever, only for him to buckle under the responsibility of being an adult and decide that what he wants is not the same as the goals we had been working towards for years. I'm angry at myself because, even though I know it's irrational, I will always wonder if there is some way that I could have just settled & kept our family together. I'm angry because I can't understand how I could spend so many years with someone for them now to be a complete stranger.

I feel like he can't even be bothered to try to support his children. Of course, he has a very different perspective on all that. I look at the fact that he passed on three jobs last month. He looks at the fact that he "wouldn't make enough" since he'd have to pay the parking fees while at two of the jobs. This, according to him, comes out to $600 for a week or so...which he makes in a couple days on these jobs. So, no, he wouldn't come out rich...but what he made could help his children. He says I'm unreasonable to keep asking him. I say he doesn't seem to get the point that, if he thinks it's hard to get by on very little as a single man, he should try it with children to take care of. I don't have the luxury of letting my obligation to my children go, simply because I can't afford it. I have to make it happen. That's why I am spending today, that I should be using to write a paper, diligently printing shipping labels & shipping packages containing stuff that I literally am pulling from my closet & selling to make every penny I can to take care of these kids.

I know it's not forever...that someday things will be better, easier...but it's hard to really believe that sometimes...but I try...& I pretend to have it all covered...

4 comments:

  1. As parents trying to be strong for our kids, we always have to act. Sometimes it's the only way I make it through the day; convincing myself that everything is just fine. I went through my house at the end of last school year to find things to sell. I read this and all I can say is Ditto. I wish I was in a position to help others who are going through what we are. Maybe someday. {hugs}

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    1. Your comment made me cry. I had already sold my textbooks, which I was saving to study for the Bar. Everything that anyone would think of as worth anything has been liquidated. So, this week it's my clothes & shoes. Some has sold, some hasn't, but I think I'm going to make enough to pay the water bill. So, that's a good thing. I'm still at a loss about what to do for rent. The only option may be to sell the things that I had been saving for my kids: my wedding dress & our wedding rings. The kids asked me to keep them so that they could have them someday, so I have had them put away. However, more & more, it's looking like I may have no other choice.

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  2. I sold my wedding ring along with the other things at the beginning of the summer. I had been saving it for my daughter. I cried that day, too. But I realize that what I can give her by completing this thing I started is probably greater than that diamond. It still hurts a little to think about sometimes, but I did what I had to do. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. My heart hurts for you. The end is in sight. The right job will show up. I know it.

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  3. i love you babes..though i wish we talked more or lived near each other for visits...i always think of you..chin up..let me know if i can help in any way *HUG*

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